i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
