Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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