I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
