I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
