your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Are my feet made of real feet?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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