I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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