barbara walters just said penis...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
