I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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