Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!