Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
