I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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