I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
