Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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