I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
