What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
