I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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