I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
