will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
