Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.