I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
