it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
All I want is dick and wine.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
