So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
