I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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