I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
