When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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