sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
