i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
