I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
