Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
