Soap is not a condiment
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
