genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She's the barista slut.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
