just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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