Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
