Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
