EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
