I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
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So much rum. So many feels.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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