i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
