he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
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His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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