dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
