You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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