what day is it and did you see me today?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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