The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
