We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize