we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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