saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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