how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
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we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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