Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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