listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
