I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
