You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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