I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
