How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
