break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
