the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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