What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
